The Genesis of the Work

Dr. Abramowitz’s exploration into male sexuality began early; his father was a sex therapist and gynecologist. From a young age, Dr. Abramowitz noticed that heterosexual couples struggled with connection, communication, and staying intimate after the honeymoon phase. He carried this “prism of sacred sexuality” through his own tumultuous puberty.

Years later, while facilitating group spaces for hundreds of men, he realized his story was not unique: the profound way that biological expression comes through men impacts their decision-making, executive function, and how they show up in the intimate space. Unable to find a book that offered a granular conversation on what it means to be hardwired as men for sex, he spent 10 years writing Sexed.

The Hardwiring: Biology vs. Emotional Software

The core of Dr. Abramowitz’s work differentiates between the biological “factory setting” (hardware) and the emotional “software” (hardwiring) that develops over time:

1. Biological Hardwiring (Hardware)

The body and brain are prepared for sexual expression early, starting with a testosterone tsunami at seven weeks of age. This biological preparation leads to:

• Overt Alertness: The median preoptic center (the mate spotting area in the hypothalamus) is two and a half times bigger in men than in women, creating an “overt alertness” for “optical opportunity”. This response happens quickly, at a surprisingly fast pace like 200 milliseconds, before the conscious brain is aware.
• The Calling of Sex: This reproductive biological intelligence makes sex feel like a “calling” at puberty, often leading to cognitive dissonance where men wonder, “Am I thinking sex or is sex thinking me?”.
• The Reproductive Purpose: The male body is “just as brilliantly designed” as the female body to carbon copy the species, but men often don’t easily recognize this link because their purpose is not to house and develop a fetus for nine months.

2. Emotional Hardwiring (Software)

The learned behaviors and emotional constructs around sex (the “software” that can be changed) are developed during adolescence and include:

• Visualization and Misinformation: Practices like masturbation coupled with visualisations peculiar  to male masturbatory fantasies ( see studies showing the great variability between the sexes in fantasy ) – that take place  during the development of the pubertal brain lead to a learned behavior where the outside world is projected upon, sometimes resulting in a misunderstanding of the sexualization of the outside world. ( Male fantasy tends towards  multiple sex partners , anatomy visualisation , sex with strangers etc) 
• Blockages to Intimacy: The emotional hardwirings, including secrecy, lack of discipline and self-control, and profound feelings of shame and guilt and vulnerability, create blockages. These blockages prevent men from: slowing down during sex, immersing deeply, being vulnerable, opening their eyes during lovemaking, or seeing each sexual engagement as an adventure.
• Masking Emotions: Men often use the dopamine impact of sexual release (e.g., masturbation) to quieten feelings like anger or stress, or to get to sleep, which can be misidentified as a high sex drive.

The Evolution: From Entertainment to Transformation

Dr. Abramowitz insists that men could do well to  integrate our “humanity and our sexuality” because  we men tend to separate sex from the rest of  our lives. The movement needed is from using sex for “entertainment” toward making it a “transformational”  and connecting experience.

• The Way Through: The book provides a “way through” this chaos by asking men to set aside assumptions and begin to contemplate possibilities. Chapter 8, The Playbook, includes self-practices for men and for the couple.
• Systema Sexologica: This is the logical system of change Dr. Abramowitz uses, which involves understanding the body, changing the emotional constructs (“soft wiring”), and arriving at one’s specific human sexual design.
• The Cross-Lattice Effect: When a man workshops and addresses his emotional sexual hardwirings (like secrecy, shame, and guilt) in the intimate space, a “beautiful cross-lattice work” happens. The positive changes are unlocked outside the bedroom as well, impacting his persona and how he shows up in the boardroom or headroom space in relationship.

The ultimate goal is to grant men sexual self-agency and allow them to walk out in the world with a “new expression of self”. The conversation also highlights the crucial need for older male mentors to educate young men and prevent the perpetuation of these cycles.